by
Mickey Walker -January 04, 2009
Bush
is going home to Texas, a friendlier place he dearly loves and can call his
own. See, ever since Texans kicked
out Jack Brooks, Carl Parker, Ralph Yarborough, Ann Richards, and many more
native Texans, Texas has gone to the dogs. Since the days of Governors
Alan Shivers, Bill Clements, George W. Bush, Rick Perry, and other indecent
political morphs, Texas done got God and fetus power, by cracky. And shoot,
religion’s been tee-totally good for big oil and awl bidness in Texas, too.
None of these God-fearin', whiskey-bottle-hidin’, Texicans never got the red
ass atall when Bush went AWOL as the VN War raged. Might near all my
cousins and neighbors think it's plumb rude to trash a fellow Texan, no
matter how much fruit and nuts he's got on his cake. Look. Truth
don't matter here, just ask Kay Bailey, Tom DeLay, or John Corn Dog. Us
Texans know how to keep a family secret, like Bush getting picked up in
Kinnebunkport, Maine for DUI. You
just wipe the slate clean, just like nobody could test Cheney to see if he was
drunk when he shot that there lawyer in the face in South Texas. What’s done and said in Texas stays in
Texas, and sometimes in Maine when you got Texans like the Bush’s payin’ taxes
up there, get it?
Secrecy
was invented right here in the Lone Star State. I mean is there anything worse than word gettin’ out that your
sister done been to see a psychiatrist? Coo Coos in the family tree and all? Us Texans can't have stuff like
that leakin' out. “Bush’s bad he done as president is old news.” Texans are quick to tell you. Besides, Texans say, “Look at all the
stuff W done us right on. What do
you mean, danglin’ preposition? Ifen Sarah Palin kin do it, it must be all right, and she ain’t even from
Texas.” Texas don’t know nothin’
about hockey, neither, but she’s a hockey mom, she says, and that ain’t no
hockey. She’d make a good Texan,
with her politics know-how and down home way of speakin’, ya know? Buford, down at the Tomball feed store,
said Bush hepped us good old boys and done us right by reducing taxes, capital
gains, and returning 2 Trillion in tax cuts that was our own money in the first
place. “It ain't no paradox I tell you.” Buford allowed. “It's just about how we Texans are
about standin' up for what's right and what's not. It’s our money and the
Salvation Army and Head Start can go piss up a rope. And another thang: we don't care whether GW went to no drills in Alabama when he was in the
Texas Air Guard. Heck that’s too many cow plops down the trail to get
worked up about, anyhow. He hepped us keep our hard-earned money instead
of lettin’ Ted Kennedy give it all away to all them no-counts on welfare.”
My
cousin Belmar from Splendora sees things thisaway: “We may drive up from Jasper to Nacogoches to get booze, but
that ain’t no big deal. It's like your Aunt Myra don't want no liquor in
her county, see, so you got to respect her, ya know? Sometimes it's in
our own best interest to be a hypocrite, but you don't have to blurt it
out. God tells us what to do through our preachers and George W. Bush
himself. Never mind that some churches in East Texas said Obama might be
a Muslim. Heck he won’t even show us his birth certificate.”
An
old chum from high school told me recently: “Texas ain’t like the Deep South when it comes to how we
treat our black people. Shoot, I
remember when it used to be okay for coloreds to live in shacks in the
alleys in Port Arthur, right in our own neighborhoods. Heck, we ain't
perfect, but we were doing that alley desegregation long before Lester Maddox
stood in the doorway to keep blacks out of his restaurant. We always took care of our blacks here
in Texas.”
Joe
Bob at Ernie’s Barber Shop adds: “It's
enough that we be Texans, that’s all. It's enough
to care about the important things: God, country, flag, Ronald
Reagan, and prayer in the schools. And if it ain't in our wallet's best
interest to vote Republican on a teacher's salary, never you mind. It's
in God's best interest that we vote for those who don't mind bringing God and
His Ten Commandments into gummint places. And another thing. We
don't need no evolution or any other Darwin liberals messin' with Texas schools.
Damned liberal college professors, what do they know? With them high IQs
you’d think they were smarter ‘n us or somethin’.” Joe Bob went on to say: “Billy Bob Broddus at the Hull-Daisetta
Exxon knows more about how we got here than all the danged professors at
TU in Austin. See, Billy Bob and his family just got back from that
new Creationist Museum in Kentucky, and said it reminded him of The Flintstones
cartoons where Dino the dinosaur was the Flintstones’ pet. We got bigger fish
to fry here in the Lone Star State. We need to support our grown fetuses
in uniform even ifen our Commander-In-Chief G.W. Bush sends them off to Iraq time and again. It's okay
that they be Texas Reserves, too, cause after all they signed up for duty to
serve our Governor Perry who works for Bush. And if Bush wants them Reserves to pack up and serve our country
in Iraq, no matter what, Perry’s got to send them ahead on. Some of them liberals say Bush ain’t in
charge of the Reserve Army; the governors of the states are. But we know better. Bush is ‘merica’s CIC, and he deserves
all the respect Perry and the other governors can give him. Governor Palin, bless her, even said Bush
was doing God’s work in Iraq, and we all needed to back him up. See, we can’t be sending confusin’
signals to our soldiers. They caint
be thinkin’ about backing outa their contracts or skipping drills, or patrols,
or going AWOL during wartime, you know? Can you imagine any Texan ever
doin’ somethin’ that God-awful?”
Next
thing you know, somebody will tell me, "Texas, love it, or leave
it." But I'm afraid to. If everybody who don't buy into the
religious right spooled 'em up and left Texas, the Neocons left behind might
set up a Texas Inquisition Board where if you don't believe in Creationism, you
would be shot at dawn or tortured by watching reruns of Bush's speeches, like
the one he begins with, "There's an old sayin' in Texas, and may be in
Tennessee, too, I don’t know............Fool me once......................".
That form of torture would violate the Geneva Convention for sure.
Sometimes
getting perspective helps. Last October, while driving through Kentucky,
just near the Creationist Museum, I was aware that a state trooper had wheeled
around behind me in the night. He stayed on my tail for about 5 minutes,
and of course, I held the cruise control steady, just at the speed limit on the
Interstate. Finally, he flashed his red and blues and pulled me
over. Approaching me from the rear with his flashlight in the rearview
mirror, he said, "Hi neighbor." "Heidi," I replied.
"Seems like another neighbor on the Interstate said you wuz weavin', and I
was wonderin' if you been drinkin' or somethin."
"Nope." I said. "But I plan to soon as I get to a
motel." He wanted to see my license, and then stammered a bit for
more to say, when finally, he said, okay, well you have a nice
night." He knew the tattler-caller was bogus. I never weaved
when he was tracking me. I told him thanks (for nothing), and drove on
down the highway thinking about a state where civilians turned each other in
for what they thought to be a violation of their rights, like weaving on the
highway (or not). "Hi neighbor," my bew-tocks. For a
moment I remembered how good it was then to be from the state of Texas where we
haven't started rattin’ on each other yet for imagined violations of the
public good. At least I don't think we started doin' that yet. But
if we continue to cow tow to the right wing nutcases who vote the
state hopelessly Neocon year after year, and keep on injecting Jesus
into gummint and politics, we might just find ourselves in a police state
someday. Shoot, we might get us one of them Creationist Museums in Dallas
right next to the Bush Library. Ifen it ain’t bad enough already! Remember how Governor Rick Perry
mandated that a HPV vaccine be given to all Texas school girls for cervical
cancer prevention? Forget it that the vaccine just so happened to be a part of
his family business interests and holdings. Don’t that beat all? Ain’t
that whatcha call Absolute Power? http://www.truthnews.us/?p=1444
One
thing my Neocon Texas Bubbas got is nerve. They got no fear.
But they eat up with a lot of dumbass and don't even know it. And if we
buy into it all, don't get out the vote and take more interest in
Texas, and we keep on letting them Billy Bob Bubbas ride rough shod
on us, then guess who would be the biggest dumbass of all? That
would be even more than embarrassing than being from a state that insults our
intelligence with elected officials who mix God with politics and act like they
really do give lots of serious time thinkin’ on God and
religion. If they did, they would go to church, right? Naw, on
second thought, there might be some fly sh-- in the pepper on that argument. 