The Well Infidel – June 13, 2010
I was raised Catholic - Catholic elementary and high school,
Catholic Church and Catholic parents, Catholic relatives in an extended
close-knit Irish culture and a very Catholic neighborhood in Southwest
Philadelphia in the 40's and 50's. One of the ideas advanced by the nuns
and priests was that becoming a priest was a "special calling," one
that any Catholic boy might receive on any given day - without warning. We were
advised to listen for a little voice in our heads. If we heard it, well, that
was God issuing an invitation to the priesthood. If we heard God offering
a job, we were to pack up and head for the nearest seminary.
If I had heard the voice (and alas, I did not before
deciding I did not want to be Catholic, let alone a priest at about age
twelve), and if I had left my family and all the rest behind, there would be no
mourning. On the contrary, jubilation would reign. Next to becoming a
doctor, having a priest in the family was the most prestigious achievement a
Catholic family could hope for. It was right up there with the status a
radical Muslim parent might enjoy if their extremist Jihadist martyr son blew
himself and a bunch of infidels to Kingdom Come for Allah.
While I not surprisingly never got the call, one of my
classmates did. He became a priest, but was defrocked in a sex abuse
scandal decades after his fondness for little boys came to light.
Given my personal affiliation with the Catholic Church,
which of course was not a choice on my part but a decision made by those
responsible for my formative years, I was fascinated to read in the New York
Times this week about the new selection process for those who hear that voice
in their heads. Because of the pedophile scandals that have almost ruined
the world's largest cult, the Catholic Church of 2010 demands much more of
those who want to be priests than a simple claim of having heard "the
voice." (See Paul Titello, "Prospective Catholic Priests Face
Sexuality Hurdles," New York Times, May 30, 2010.)
Here is a summary of what to expect if you show up at a
seminary and advise the receptionist that you heard voices - or "the
voice," as the case may be.
1. You have to pass a sex test. That is, you
have to correctly answer this question: "When is the last time you
had sex?"
The best answer, it seems, is something like this: "I
had sex, with a woman who was not married to me or anyone else or underage or
under the influence, in the missionary position, and I did not really enjoy it
that much - three years ago." I suppose the next best answer might
be, "What is sex?"
2. Then you have to pass a battery of standardized
psychological tests.
3. Depending on your responses and resulting profile,
then you have to seem normal (except for those little voices, which in this
case are acceptable, else why in hell would you even be there?) when asked more
probing, open-ended questions. It does not take a genius to sense where
the interviewers are going with some of these in-depth queries: "Do
you like children? Do you like children more than you like people your
own age?" These are not innocent questions designed to learn if you will be
a regular "Mr. Rogers" type of charmer with young Catholics.
Will the new procedures weed out the molesters? Are
such tests a sneaky way to discover if a candidate is gay and, if so, what
then? Does the Catholic Church, like the Boy Scouts of America and
Christian fundamentalist churches, have a policy of discriminating against
gays? Or, do they have a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy?
It was not clear from the Times article. Such a ban is not
explicit, but that does not mean discrimination is not the intent.
Some cynics might wonder why the church rulers, old men for
the most part who refuse to allow priests to marry or even cohabitate with
women, would want to forbid and punish even loving relationships for priests
with other men? Especially given the distinct possibility that more than
a few of them may themselves be gay! This could be another one of those
mysteries best taken on faith.
Of course, there is no proven link between sexual
orientation and pedophilia or any other form of sexual abuse of minors.
Personally, I think the Catholic Church should weed out
anybody who shows up at a seminary, claiming that he wants to be a priest
because a little voice in his head, from someone pretending to be God, wants
him to be a priest. Forget about pedophilia as a risk that may or may not
come to pass. Anybody who hears voices from God that represent meddling
in an important personal career choice ought to be considered too unstable and
mentally suspect to be an altar boy, let alone a priest.
But then, the Catholic Church never listens to me, so I
don't expect this suggestion will be implemented anytime soon.