By Donald B. Ardell - May 16, 2010
A good friend of mine died the other day after a long illness. She had undergone all manner of medical treatments for cancers - standard chemo, state-of-the-art surgical procedures and a couple experimental approaches. Without question, the process was painful, expensive and frightening. For some who followed the struggle, the end might have seemed more merciful than tragic. However, the family and others who posted to a support website ("CaringBridge") seemed to think that something would work, especially if a miracle could be brought into the protocol with a prayer campaign.
The funeral was an orgy of godtalk, babble and pious insanity. From start to finish, it was nonstop Jesus worship in song, testimony, prayer and readings. To freethinkers, secularists and others - maybe Buddhists, Hindus, Jews, Muslims, as well - it was a rude imposition of one group's belief system on everyone else. Surely the family of the deceased might have considered that not everyone who knew and cared about the departed shared their extreme fundamentalist Christian orientation and might be a bit put off by the proceedings. If so, it was not evident in the service. Of course, maybe they considered this and decided, "Too bad. This is about us, the heathens can leave if they don't like it."
So, what's a freethinker to do when someone dies and a service is scheduled that (due to the departed's well-known religiosity or other reasons) seems likely to be a revival? Here are a few suggestions. (Naturally, if you share such a worldview, sit up front and have yourself a godgasm or two. My suggestions are intended only for godless infidels who find words of grace, pastoral prayers, hymns like "I Can Only Imagine" - about praising god every moment of every day - for frigging eternity, psalms and more praise hymns spiritually uplifting, comforting and otherwise glorious and good.)
1. Don't attend. (I came up with my own ritual to honor my friend.)
2. Go but sit in the back and leave early before you succumb to the temptation to scream, "I can't take this anymore - you people are all bloody crazy."
3. Call the funeral home or someone close to the deceased to inquire about what kind of service might be planned - so you don't find yourself in an environment that is an affront to your brain.
4. Suck it up and go along. Sing, pray and go through the motions. Offer it all up for the souls in Purgatory or something. Be a good sport. Do it for the Gipper, so to speak.
I know that one has to attend funerals if he expects others to attend his, but the service in this case, the details of which I learned about from a close atheist relative, was just over the top. This service was more about praising Jesus than the deceased.
Protect your mental health. Do NOT assume you have to sit through a festival of nonsense to honor the dead. Create your own ceremony, or just raise a toast to the memory of a good person and try to make sense of what's left of your own life. That's tribute enough.
Maybe one more thing. Wish those who feel otherwise, who prefer supernatural woo woo, the very best. We all have to deal with sorrow in our fashion. Just don't forget one thing - you have a choice to be a part of such it - or not.
PS. I sent this essay to nine friends, asking for comments. I got nine out of nine responses. Perhaps you would like to comment, as well. Would welcome the feedback. Here are the nine reactions. Enjoy.
I needed this after sitting through that insanity. I find that as I age, I am less tolerant of this kind of babble than I used to be.
1. From Sandy: This also was written from someone in attendance at the service described who asked to remain anonymous
2. From a good friend who DID attend but insisted that his remarks remain anonymous: Couldn't have said it better myself. In fact, the one thing that the last preacher (the woman) did repeatedly was an actual sales pitch on her own church. She managed to weave into her rant how other churches are less than desirable, and how absolutely wonderful her own church is. At least, that's just how it came across; she didn't directly "diss" the other churches, but made it clear that _____ and __ had tried other, "lesser" churches before finally reaching the "correct" decision to attend this church.
I thought the brother-in-law did an OK job, albeit still too preachy. __ did fine. Both went on too long, but it's understandable. Between the two of them, they pretty much covered whatever needed to be covered.
Soooooo - the first preacher was unnecessary (and not very good; he came across as having done this so often that most of his rendition was by rote, and not from the heart), and the last preacher was redundant, not to mention ridiculously verbose, droning on and on and on ad nauseum until I just wanted to puke, literally. I thought the woman would never shut up. The music was useless, like most music at these things is. (I swear, the only reason for music is because the folks actually doing the singing lobby for it - because the only way they can achieve orgasm is by inflicting their crappy singing on unsuspecting, yet adoring, masses. It's like being on American Idol without having Simon Cowell telling you how truly awful you really are. Heck, William Hung could have sang "She Bangs" and they still would have thought it was wonderful - as long as Hung dedicated it to his lord and savior, Jesus Christ).
And I agree; the entire thing reeked of Jesus from beginning to end (yes, reeked is the correct term; when anything stinks up a place, it "reeks"). The assumption that we would all welcome inclusion in, and blind worship of, "Jay-sus" is so incredibly offensive to me, I cannot even begin to say. It would be one thing if they said something like "We'll now be taking some time to honor _____'s religious beliefs; if you have other beliefs (or no belief), please bear with us as we honor _____'s faith." No, instead they make the assumption that we're all brain-dead Jesus freaks like they are - and that we WANT to drink their Kool-Aid.
If the purpose was to recruit people to that church and that religion (which I'm convinced is, at least in part, the purpose of every funeral service), then they failed miserably. I never wanted to run away from Jesus more than I did at the end of the service. Never. In fact, mentally I'm still distancing myself.
PS - One sentence above ("It would be one thing if they said something like 'We'll now be taking some time to honor _____'s religious beliefs; if you have other beliefs -or no belief, please bear with us as we honor _____'s faith") should be required reading prior to any religious indoctrinations that may be practiced at any funeral. I would have no problem (other than the boredom issue) sitting through such drivel if the folks presenting it recognized that I don't buy it, and therefore excused me from having to recognize it, etc.
3. Note: The above commentator also forward a postscript, as follows: Don - here is a recent obit for someone who truly "got it". Man, I might go to his "service" on May 15th even though I never met the man, just to pay my respects. I guarantee it will be a better service than the stupefying Jesus indoctrination we had to sit through for _____.
William Henry Beattie II - "Billy Bob", 62. I passed at home in my wife's arms on April 14, 2010. Survived by wife, Charlene; son, Shawn; sister, Sue; brother, Pete; Sissy, Nikita, Luke, and Bella, extended family and a hell of a lot of loving friends. Oh, hell...Don't be crying and mourning over me; spend your time remembering me. I had a good life and celebrated all of it. Take care of my wife and my dogs. Take care of yourself. Your turn will be here just like mine. Seize the moment. If it were one of you and not me, I would be drinking beers to you.
Lenore had this to say: The only reason I go to funerals is to offer my support to the family and loved ones of the dead person. People do crazy things when they are grieving so I try not to pay much attention to the religious parts of the service. Perhaps the family just didn't know what else to do. Instead, I try to focus on what I knew about the person, and perhaps what I learned from him or her while alive and I ignore the rest.
4. Lenore said: The only reason I go to funerals is to offer my support to the family and loved ones of the dead person. People do crazy things when they are grieving so I try not to pay much attention to the religious parts of the service. Perhaps the family just didn't know what else to do. Instead, I try to focus on what I knew about the person, and perhaps what I learned from him or her while alive and I ignore the rest.
5. Rod Lees said: Hi Don - My thoughts exactly. Many are the times I have sat through the same crap. As a matter of fact, I had to listen to some yesterday. I was up at Noosa staying with friends. Every morning I visit, I have this daily ritual. It consists of a 5k run, then a surf, followed by another 5k run. The first part of the run is along the famous Noosa triathlon route.
I was in the surf, quietly minding my own business, when I was accosted by a rather elderly gentleman who wanted to tell me about how Noosa was God's country and that he protects the area from all things bad. He then listed all of the cyclones that had been around in the last few years and how god had turned them away before they got to Noosa. I like to think he was joking, but was not sure.
I wondered at the time, why god hadn't protected me or the rest of Noosa from this particular gentleman? Then again, I remembered, there is no god, so what the heck. I eventually extracted myself from his clutches with the excuse that I had to continue my run.
I don't think that you have been to Noosa. It is possibly the most beautiful place in the world. A run through the National Park is a good as it gets. I will take you there next time you venture to this part of the world. The only problem is that it is full of very rich people who strut about like peacocks and a few crazies.
6. John Miller, Canberra, Australia said: Don - I felt like this at my mother's funeral. We got an Easter sermon from a dull, very boring and lazy minister. My elder brother who organized it never asked me what I thought, not did he include me in it, presuming I was a heathen and that a heathen should not be a part of a Christian celebration of the life of my mother. I expect my mother would have wanted a Christian burial, so I just sat there and let the stuff I didn't agree with wash over the top. My daughters were with me and that was sufficient. I sang the hymns. Regardless of the words, I like "Abide with me".
This is a part of my history. I recited the Lord's Prayer - incorrectly, because the Lutheran's have changed the wording since I last went. So I recited the old version with gusto so people would hear me. Next time you're in a church and they recite the Creed, just say you believe in the Holy Ghost as loud as you can. The ghost has been written out of the story. So has 'the holy catholic church'.
Sing loudly. The people who know your irreligious conviction will be stunned and amazed. They'll think you've turned over an old leaf. If you're hungry or thirsty take communion. Christians are obligated to put a curse on people who take it unworthily.
7. Steve said: Generally don't go to funerals, or weddings, but went to one of each recently. The funeral was Buddhist ceremony so understated and tolerable while the wedding was painful.
8. Rick said: If _____ existence served no other purpose, at least her departure provided you with an essay topic. Your freethinking observations were, for me, spot on; although you needed only suggestion #1: Don't attend. Don't go to anyone's funeral service, and don't expect him or her to come to yours--especially after she's dead. In fact, do your best to discourage the whole silly funeral custom. It's a fatal waste of everyone's time and effort.
9. The Reluctant Junkie offered this: Don - I like your idea of asking in advance what kind of service it will be and staying away if any religious participation or extended religious message is on the program. Under extreme pressure I might possibly be able to force myself to attend a religion-themed funeral or a wedding, but only if I could just sit there and listen without offending anyone and also without calling attention to myself. But how likely is that? If those attending the service were expected to bow their heads, mumble amen, hold hands, or perform any kind of stand-up, sit-down, rah, rah, rah stuff, I would have to get out of there. To those who say just sit and don't participate, I would ask how they would feel if they were the only ones not bowing their heads or saying "Amen."
The last time I went to a wedding was about six years ago. It was a Catholic wedding in a church with all the usual religious trappings and exhortations. But I had a good excuse for being there: I was busy photographing the wedding and did not participate in any other way. My experience is the same as Sandy's: the older I get, the less tolerant I am of pervasive, oppressive religion trying to impose conformity on everyone else. The dominant Christian culture's lack of sensitivity to diversity is highly arrogant. They are all so damn certain they're right and everyone else is wrong. Of course they really have no business marching together under the same banner. The fact is the various denominations often hate each other to the extent that they are convinced that all those others are not real Christians and are destined to burn in hell. (And what could be more hateful than that?) Where I live the dominant protestant evangelicals and fundamentalists don't concede that Catholics are Christians. Still, they all like to band together under their Christian colors when they see it's to their mutual advantage (for example, when they claim that the U.S. is a Christian country).
Anyway, I will never voluntarily act in a way that suggests that I believe in anyone's god, or any supernatural entity, including a soul. For example, I will not participate in a Pledge of Allegiance. I won't even stand mute with my hand over my heart, thanks to that offensive and blatantly unconstitutional "under God" addition. And I'm sorry to have to say that this principle is more important to me than pleasing family or friends. As much as I resent religion -- How dare they treat me like a second-class citizen? -- and wish it would disappear from the face of the earth, it would be shamefully hypocritical to lend support to it in any manner whatsoever.
I have a lot more to say on this sad topic, but that's all for now.
That's the feedback so far. What do you say? Comments welcomed. Good wishes. Be well. Look on the exuberant, skeptical and bright side of life.
Don Ardell is the Well Infidel. He favors evidence over faith, reason over revelation and meaning and purpose over spirituality. His enthusiasm for reason, exuberance and liberty are reflected in his books (14), newsletter (532 editions of a weekly report) and lectures across North America and a dozen other countries.