By Loren Adams, 13 June 2010
You might be a Republican IF…
You think toilet paper should come in Q'uran and NYT print.
You find nothing contradictory about your sign that reads
"Hands Off My Medicare" next to a "Government Run Healthcare
Makes Me Sick" sticker on the bumper of your gas guzzling Humvee,
You think that affirmative action is only acceptable for Michael
Steele and Marco Rubio.
You don’t like being called “The Party of NO” but instead like
being referred to as “The Party of HELL NO!” only because Sarah Palin suggested
it.
You think "Semper Fi" should be changed to
"Git R Done"
You think your Tea Party posters are not misspelled that
read: “I am Joe the Plummer,” or “Make English Americas Offical Langage.” Or
“Say No to Socilism.”
You think Stem Cell research is what killed Terri Schiavo
As part of your
boycott of all names French, you change the name of your favorite sex toy to
"freedom tickler."
You think the 2000 election was fair & square when Bush
stole the White House but the 2008 election was stolen by ACORN for Obama.
You've ever announced your gratitude to our troops for
fighting for your freedom to drill baby drill and spill baby spill.
You feel your duty in the war on terror is to hunt down
Mexicans crossing the border. (Then you hire undocumented workers to do your
lawn and housework.)
You've ever complained about abuse of welfare while
depositing earnings in an off-shore tax-sheltered account or you cash your
disability check before heading to the gym.
You think WMD are still in Iraq but hidden by liberals to
make Bush look bad.
You think Mark Felts should have been executed for treason
before dying of natural causes, and Gordon Liddy should get the medal of freedom.
You've ever blamed anything on "Activist Judges"
while supporting the Supreme Court decision to reject corporate spending limits
on political campaigns.
You think Glenn Beck is a prophet.
You think Sarah Palin is a goddess.
You think Rush Limbaugh is the greatest broadcast journalist
ever.
You watch only one news channel, FOX, because it’s the only
one fair and balanced.
You firmly believe Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Or
Indonesia. Or anyplace outside the USA.
You think Barack Obama is the Antichrist.
You think Barack Obama is Muslim.
You think Barack Obama is Socialist.
In honor of Terri Schiavo, you kept the deer you shot alive
for twelve days.
You think there should be a "constitutional exemption"
at home to shut your wife up.
You feel the only acceptable time turning left is at a
NASCAR race.
You think Capitol Hill should be re-named "Six Flags
over Jesus."
You think gay marriages would somehow taint the sanctity of
your six failed marriages.
You make your wife wear a "no spin" t-shirt during
sex.
You think that listening to three different conservative
talk shows and FOX gives you all the variety you need.
You name your testicles "shock" and
"awe."
You wear a strapped-on assault rifle to a President Obama
event but would never consider doing the same to a Bush or Palin or Limbaugh or
Beck or Hannity rally.
You think that Healthcare Reform includes government death
panels designed to kill your grandma.
You've ever considered your finest point in an argument to
be, "Oh yeah, well, you hate America!"
You feel the "culture of life" should be the
standard – that every life is worth the same (except Muslims, Mexicans,
gays, Africans, liberals, activist judges, and anyone for gun control).
You think Civil Rights acts were unnecessary and should be
repealed, or at least sections of them – the parts dealing with private
businesses refusing to serve “coloreds” and the Fair Housing Act.
You think “American exceptionalism” means God singled the US
out as the most favored, thus all others are inferior and not divinely blessed.
You've ever yelled "Hell yeah, man, I agree!"
while Sean Hannity was speaking.
You’ve ever experienced an erection watching Sarah Palin on
TV.
You stand and salute when George Bush or Dick Cheney is on
the air, even though you've never served in the military, but you flip the bird
at the TV screen every time Barack Obama appears.
You’ve ever twittered Sarah Palin or Michele Bauchmann love notes.
You registered to vote at a Tractor Pull.
You boycotted your local convenience store because the clerk
let it slip he voted for Obama (even though you had bought all of your NASCAR apparel
there.)
In honor of Bush, you donate to his new “LIBARY” in Texas:
two cartons of crayons.
You think the U.S. Treasury should replace Ulysses S.
Grant’s picture on the $50 bill with Ronald Reagan’s and exchange George
Washington’s on the dollar for George W. Bush’s.
You've ever answered a gun-control issue with "when
they pry them out of my cold, dead hands."
You think that fetuses have a right to life but newborn
babies don’t have a right to healthcare even if their parents pay for it.
You consider BP, Halliburton and Transocean Ltd. eco-friendly
companies.
Your solution to the BP spill in the Gulf is to nuke ‘em.
You don’t believe in global warming but believe it’s a
leftist plot to turn America socialist.
You think scientists that endorse global warming should be
arrested and tried for treason.
Your strongest defense for the reason Bin Laden wasn’t
caught during the Bush years is "Because they all look alike."
You think the only solution for the Middle East peace is to
bomb them all to hell. (Then let God sort them out.)
You think all Democratic presidents should be impeached.
You think the only three campaign issues that matter are
“God, gays and guns.”
You think the imposition of government regulations caused
economic meltdown and, oh yes, Barney Frank.
You think the Bush years were glorious, but Clinton and
Obama ruined America.
You think that budget deficits began only after January 20,
2009.
You approve Arizona’s “papers please” bill but demand the
government uphold constitutional freedoms and stay out of your personal life.
You think GOP stands for “God’s Only Party.”