by Loren Adams, 21 March 2010
Once upon a time there came to the throne an ill-mannered
Emperor who loved power and control more than anything else (except for maybe
fictitious wars and torture).
One day two ENRON CEOs came to the White Castle to pay
homage to Emperor Dubya and Court Jester Dick at a secret summit. They
pretended to have all solutions to the Kingdom's energy woes and proposed
several clandestine moves Emperor Dubya could make to boost demand for energy,
which coincidentally ENRON controlled at the time and would profit handsomely
if enacted (which was later replaced by Dick’s Halliburton after the big ENRON crash).
The primary secret proposal was to start war against an
energy-rich land faraway; the others were to drill in protected royal
wilderness and build pipelines through occupied kingdoms to transport oil from
wells to ports. In locked rooms (so no countrymen would be privy), huge maps of
proposed target lands were spread across strategy tables. The stealthy scheme
was to enrich the rich and bankrupt the poor.
While at the White Castle secret summit, they offered to
make the most beautiful magical cloth in all the world for the Emperor to be
worn in honor of His Majesty at special events – such as big-ship ceremonies
and imperial prayer breakfasts. And they guaranteed the robe had one astonishing
quality – only an honest "compassionate conservative" person
could see it; whereas a person of foolish traits (such as “liberals” and “lefties”)
were blind to it.
Emperor Dubya contemplated: "If I have a suit made of
this cloth, I’ll be able to recognize who’s not freedom-lovin’ ‘nuff, who's
liberal, and who’s unpatriotic – thereby directing my First Knight to
indefinitely detain the dissident fools ad infinitum at some undisclosed
location and torturing the hell out of ‘em."
So he gave the ENRON boys taxpayers' gold, enough to
assemble a new suit of clothes. (Of course, he requested an additional flag pin
attached to demonstrate what an irrefutable national hero he was.)
In a few days, the Emperor went to check with the ENRON weaver
boys but couldn’t see any cloth. In a panic he muttered to himself, "This
is horrible! Maybe I’m a closet liberal fool but don't know it." So, he
pretended to see the cloth anyhow and the logic of all their other insane
proposals imposed on the Kingdom by His Majesty.
The Emperor’s assistants – Dick, Gonzy, Rummy, Murdoch,
Ailes, Rice & Rove – couldn’t see anything either, but they also
pretended to admire the invisible royal fabric. "Oh, it’s majestic,
Emperor Dubya!" But secretly, in the back of their minds, they
realized the truth – that the cloth was imaginary. On the other hand, WHO
NEEDS PROOF if one has FAITH in the Emperor and his corporate handlers? In a
faith-based world, all you need is their declaration.
One day a special parade in celebration of the Emperor's new
clothes was scheduled that extended from the Capitol down Pennsylvania Avenue
to the White Castle. "The Emperor’s new suit of clothes is finished!"
announced the ENRON clothiers with pride.
And so the weavers put the new suit of clothes on Emperor Dubya.
Nearly 100% of the people polled by FOX pretended to see the
royal garb; 70% on CNN, and 10% by MSNBC listeners. Truth was, no one watching
FOX wanted to admit they were "liberal" fools. And others watching the
more sane networks were too timid to acknowledge the truth – that His
Majesty was stark naked and raging mad.
But unexpectedly a small child amidst the multitude yelled,
"Hey! The Emperor has no clothes! He's naked. Mommy and Daddy, I can see the
Crown Jewels!"
Oh, what a shock it was for the whole Kingdom! The child was
correct; the subjects knew the truth the whole time but concealed due to fear
and pride. Gradually, like a wave, the audience began to point and whisper; next
they broke out in loud laughter and jeering, "Hey, Emperor Dubya! You're
showing your royal assets!"
The Emperor's popularity percentages plummeted faster than the
1929 & 2008 Stock Markets that day. For finally the masses became aware
– at least temporarily – of the Emperor's utter stupidity (and
their own for waiting so long to admit the obvious).
Unfortunately, the countrymen still didn’t learn their
lesson. For it wasn’t only the ignorant naked Emperor that caused the kingdom
to arrive at such a humiliating national awareness; it was the result of an
uninformed majority, naked to dishonest leadership and susceptible to religious
myth. A weak-minded people beget a weakened, impoverished nation. A naked
Emperor is only the product of a naked public.
The kingdom still hadn't learned its lesson. They knew the
child was right at the time, but in idiocy proceeded to lay groundwork for
another naked Emperor – perhaps a Sister Sarah successor, or another peculiar
heir wearing only ornamental tea bags. For the fault laid with the majority
which knew the truth but were too fearful to act.
The Emperor was proud of showing off his ass to the whole
world and was arrogant enough to prove it throughout his 8-year-long miserable
reign. Emperor Dubya finally did Dallas – retreating to more hospitable
territory. Anecdotally, Rove was commissioned to write a revisionist history
about the naked guy in an effort to shore up his legacy – how the royal
garb really did exist for which no one in the world was qualified to see except
the most devoted conservatives. The same fools that bought into the Emperor’s
clothes bought into Rove’s lies.
By the millions a new Pee-Party movement was formed that led
the kingdom back to the good ol’ days of pride in nakedness, gullibility,
ignorance and poverty. But the First Crash for which they gave birth was more
pleasant than the Second – born also from their womb.
Depression and chaos then prevailed across the land. And
thus the Empire's subjects didn't live happily ever after. Because they’d
rather have a ill-bred naked Emperor than a well-clothed intelligent one.
The End