By Loren Adams, 16 August 2009
Hell, fire and brimstone are the main menu at the Church of Lost
Sheep in Holywater, Texas. If a sermon is delivered missing the principal ingredient
– damnation – then righteous folk don't rightly feel they’d been adequately
'fed' by their shepherd. Saints would determine they'd put their
Sunday-go-to-meetin’ outfits on only be deprived of the most delicious dish.
Everybody's got to get a 'fix,' and watching the preacher get red-faced, hoppin'
mad at the devil is plum inspirin'!
In waltzes Reverend George to loud, pulsating Gospel music,
drums a-beatin’. Best show in town. He got to be preacher by acclamation from
the congregation, he impressed us so. No election necessary. It was ‘cause of his
preachin'. He was against drinkin' & smokin' & chewin' & dancin'
& card-playin' & Hollywood & short-shorts & gettin' naked above
the knee & mixed bathin' & abortion & fornicatin' &
adulteratin' & boys playin' with themselves & women talkin' in church. But
we loved it even more when Brother George came down hard on gays, women
libbers, and (of course) liberals. That 'L' word really hits the spot for us
fundamentalists; sends shivers down our spines! Real character-buildin’ stuff
direct from Jesus.
Somehow, overeatin' never made the list of sins – as if
gluttony ain't in the Good Book. Stands to reason, since most of us are fatter
than corn-fed hogs ripe for slaughter and can't wait for dinner on the grounds
when we can partake of Sister Sarah’s chocolate moose pie. Every good churchnik
is entitled to at least one indulgence.
Course, Preacher George wasn't against everything.... he
wasn't what some call one of them thare 'again-ers’. ‘Cause the reverend was
all FOR capital punishment. In fact, he thought every criminal should be locked
up permanent – and if they strayed thrice, be put to death to save
taxpayer money. He sort of got happy when reminiscin' about executions
witnessed front-row with the governor. We loved that kind of preachin'... All
the main things we thought gospel to be. Plus, Brother George preached a lot
about patriotism, flying the flag proud, killin' evildoers, and protectin' our
right to carry and conceal guns – to be used against those heathen
liberals and Mexican illegals. Makes tears well up from parishioners’ eyes.
Hallelujah!
The way we seen it – if Jesus had been around, he’d be
just like Rev. George, swear to God. We can just behold the wrath of the
Almighty comin' out of his eye-sockets. Makes us feel so sanctified!
Or so we thought… until one day we caught Brother George
ridin' 'round town with Holywater's whore, Madame Annabelle Coltergeist. Word
spread like wildfire that Preacher George was out with the hometown hooker.
So the deacon board was compelled to call Pastor George in for
a special meetin,' woodshed variety. At first, Brother George denied the whole incident;
claimed he was leading sinner Coltergeist to Jesus. When board member Olbermann
asked George if Jesus would fly all the way to Argentina on church funds, rent
a honeymoon suite and lead Mary Magdalene to repent at the altar of a king-size
bed, Brother George’s face turned beet-red; fire was shootin' out his veins.
Preacher asked, “Do you have any inkling who you’re dealing
with? I’m God’s chosen one, a proud member of the C Street Family. Why, Jesus
told me to witness to Annabelle and I did. And God told me to come be your
pastor, and I did. Now He's tellin' me I don't have to answer any of your devil-inspired
questions because I have executive privilege from the big boss! Yes, I answer
to a higher Father. Anybody that's not with me, is against me and God –
and with the evildoers! So, you'd better watch your step and not question my
divine authority."
It was mighty hard disputin' that! Nobody can argue with
God, can they? Even the preacher's wife bought the alibi that her hubby had
taken the town whore to a high-priced honeymoon suite in Buenos Aires to get
her SAVED (as opposed to LAID).... to give her peace of heart, not just a piece
of ass. So, both the wife and God were on his side. Case closed.
I guess the 'evidence' was when Miss Coltergeist showed up at
church. Everyone's heads turned almost in unison as she paraded down the aisle
all dolled up, make-up galore… strode in late for the service, like a tardy
bride without luxury of an entourage. She looked like Tammy Faye's twin, all gobbed
up thick like a clown. One redeeming quality: She wore an American flag lapel
pin that matched George's, which seemed to make all wrongs right, at least to
Rev. George's patriotic flock. When she commenced cryin', her mascara rolled
down like chocolate syrup on a hot summer’s day. Sure wouldn’t want to be in a
pew next to her. But at least then we knew she was born-again and not
porn-again, thank Jesus!
Preacher George kept solicitin' for more money, first for a
new parsonage, then a new organ, then a new Sunday School wing, then for
foreign missions projects in Afghanistan and Iraq. He gave compelling reasons
that evil had to be exterminated in those poor, God-forsaken lands, and we
bought it. It was a 'good vs. evil' sales job.
While preaching for money, he would explain what a
conservative, frugal man he was with the 'Lord's treasure.' Brother George
called himself a 'compassionate conservative' willing to spend tons of money
for needy causes – like wars and weapons, yet tight when it came to unnecessary
projects not on 'Jesus' agenda,' like ungodly giveaways to children’s
healthcare and shelter for the homeless.
We were about spent-dry. Rev. George then said the
collections weren't enough – that we'd have to dig deeper and become
[what he called] 'partners with God' – borrowing several thousand more
from the bank and credit cards to keep his missions going. In truth, we were
borrowing like crazy from the future to pay for the present – Rev.
George’s present.
Pastor George explained it this way, "Borrow from the
bank, then Jesus will come and rapture y’all saints away, leavin’ all the wicked
liberal sinners and the Antichrist to be stranded footin' the bill. Praise God!
Give and it shall be given unto thee, pressed down and running over, a
hundred-fold. God says y'all will get RICH by giving as the Lord is commanding
you through me. Or you'll be raptured before the bill comes due. Fair enough?”
It wasn't good budgeting, but Brother George said he heard
from our Maker, so we followed like sheep. There's no arguin' with God!
It took us almost eight years to figure it out. Preacher
George wasn't a preacher after all. But he managed to almost bankrupt the
church in the short time we were under his spell. The money spent to build the
parsonage went to his cousin who got a no-bid contract and then charged twice
as much as what it was worth.
Then the money going to missions was being diverted to
Brother George's private bank account in the nearby town of Carlyle in Cayman
County – the preacher's money-laundering scheme. Next we found out that
Preacher George didn't even hold real credentials as a minister. He never went
to seminary, never learned anything about the scriptures and doctrine except
for hell, fire & brimstone (to please the crowds), and didn't hear from God
like he claimed. We even found out he played hooky from church all those years,
but after he took on the title 'preacher', demanded everybody else pony-up.
George was an impostor, a bonafide hypocrite. But it was
almost too late now to recover losses. The church went under. After Deacon Olbermann
brought all this to light, next thing we heard Brother George escaped to
Argentina with Madame Annabelle Coltergeist – where he transferred his
secret bank account from Cayman County. Rev. George told his wife he was hiking
the Appalachian Trail; all the while he flew down to South America to be with
his beloved mistress.
He wasn't concerned about us church folk in the least; just
made it sound so. He fleeced the flock! The devil was standin' behind the pulpit,
yet we didn't recognize him. Duped we were.
So now when we hear a preacher say, "God told me to
tell you".... we doubt that he ever heard from the good Lord and that he's
just using 'Thus saith the Lord' to get his way, rob us, and make a mess of
things. There are so many false prophets in the world. We've had our fill of
ministers coming in just preachin' what we WANT to hear instead of what we NEED
to hear.
All we can do now is hope that justice comes down on Rev.
George – wherever he is. He preached the wrath of God on everyone else.
Now, it's his turn. 