by Loren Adams, 19
July 2009
SETTING:
George and Ethel are going through financial difficulties. Despite a
tight budget, George purchases weapons priced at $20,000 – which sends
the family into bankruptcy and home foreclosure. Outraged, Ethel threatens
divorce for the second time. A separation would leave hapless George high
and dry since Ethel is the primary breadwinner – not to mention sole housekeeper
performing all domestic chores. In essence, George is a worthless lazy ass,
but downplaying these glaring shortcomings, he wants to maintain his boss
status in order to counterbalance low self-esteem. George feels
emasculated stemming from his childhood experience of being deprived a father image.
The couple are in the kitchen “discussing” the situation in uncivilized tones
– as one would expect given the avoidable financial straits, the direct
consequence of George’s ineptness.
ETHEL:
George, I’ve got to know — why the hell did you buy all those guns
when you knew full well we’ve got the mortgage comin’ due, got doctor bills out
the yinyang and Johnny’s growin’ out of his clothes and shoes and....
GEORGE: Hell,
woman! I don’t have to ‘splain nothin’ to you! I’m the MAN of the
house and you better not forget it....
ETHEL: So,
does having a big weapon in hand make you feel more like a man, George?
Hey, if you’re such a man, what’s the problem with your little buddy
lately? Ya need to double up on erectile dysfunction medication or
somethin’, big boy?
GEORGE: Hey,
I took care of you and the kids.... I kept you safe all those years from those
awful neighbors down the street who threatened to tear the place down....
Defending the family is the only responsibility a man of the house has to keep
and I did a mighty fine job of it, woman.
ETHEL: No,
George, you caused us to lose the house. You drove us to bankruptcy. Now, what
are we safe from? Are you nuts? Oh, we found out about your little scheme you
made up about Sam Insane coming after us. Yeah, you lied about him so you could
go out and buy more guns, didn’t you? And then after you had him executed, you
went and looted his house and stole his belongings. We’re onto you, bastard! Sam
Insane may have been crazy, but you’re an arrogant little schmuck. You thought
you could divert attention away from your sorry ass ways, the family’s poor
financial condition, how you let the sewer back up and pollute our drinking
water, how you could care less about gettin' food on the table, how you didn’t
give a damn about changing the filters so we could have decent air to breathe,
how you wouldn't mow the lawn or take out the trash, how you wouldn’t pay for
Sally’s books or past-due doctor bills — yet could go spend thousands at
gun shows and be with your warmongerin’ gun-tottin’ pals who go out in the
woods and play soldier on weekends. Honest to God, George, I believe you
care more for them than me!
GEORGE: Hey,
didn’t I go to church with ya? And didn’t I go down to the altar and have
a born-again experience, goddamn you? I gave up drinkin’ and carousing
around because of you and I....
ETHEL: You
gave up what?!!! I guess you don’t realize I’ve seen you going into that
sinful Carlyle Club when you thought no one was was lookin’.... And you think
I’m too stupid to know where your beer’s stashed? Just because you can holler,
“Hallelujah” and “Praise the Lord” doesn’t make you a Christian, George.
You talk the talk but don’t walk the walk, Georgie. I’m tired of
your hypocritical ways.
George, I want a
divorce.
GEORGE:
Excuse me? What did you say?
ETHEL: You
heard me. You haven’t been faithful to me, George, and I can’t go on
livin’ like this.... So, I think it’s time to part ways.
GEORGE:
There’s somethin’ I was meanin’ to tell you, Ethel.... Didn’t think it
important at the time ‘til now.... It’s about another neighbor across town....
Kim Young’s his name. He’s threatenin’ to come after us, plant a bomb under our
car, and then kill all of us.
ETHEL: Oh,
George! I heard that before when we were about to break up over the same
crap you pulled. Is this another diversion?
GEORGE: No,
Ethel, I wish it wasn’t true. But the reason I’ve been buyin’ all those
weapons is to take care of matters across town. I’m going to get him
before he gets us. The courts and lawyers won’t do a damn thing about
him, so I will.
ETHEL: Tryin'
to change the subject, huh? George, are you just making all this up so
you can prolong the inevitable so we can stay together longer and sponge off
me?
GEORGE: No,
Ethel, I’m serious as hell. I’m going to do some “preventive maintenance”
and take the guy out before he makes his move. Smart, huh?
ETHEL: Well,
I’m tired of footin’ the bill for everything, tired of you makin' up rules as you
go along, tired of living in fear all the time, tired of you thinkin' we can
get rich off of deficit spendin', tired of doing all the chores, the laundry,
attendin’ the kids’ school functions, tired of not having a husband who really
cares about me....
GEORGE: I
care about you, honey. Why else would I be concerned about defending you
and beating up the bad guys? Hell, I’m a hero! Ya hear? A
HERO!
ETHEL: Well,
I just don’t know, George.... You lied about Sam Insane’s hidden weapons,
so what makes Kim Young different?
GEORGE: Well,
this time it's for real! The people that live next door to him say he’s a
really bad guy that has bombs in his basement and has promised to use them on
us.
ETHEL: On us?
We live the other side of town, for Christ's sake. Why us?
GEORGE:
Because, honey, he’s jealous of our freedom.
ETHEL: Freedom?
What freedom? What the hell you talkin’ about? You treat me
like shit, you’re putting us in the poor house — and maybe out on the
streets — and here you’re talkin’ about some strange guy on the opposite
side of town going to attack us! For our FREEDOM?!! I’ve had it
with you, George. All you’re wanting to do is buy more weapons to keep
your gun store buddies happy.
GEORGE: I’m
warnin’ you Ethel.... If you don’t listen to me, Kim Young is coming after you
and the kids..... You’ll see....
ETHEL: That’s
the final straw. George, pack your bags and get out! You’re nuts!
Why did I put up with you and all your lies all these eight freakin’
years? I must be nuts too for ever listening to you.
GEORGE: Would
you give me one last chance, dear? I’ll make it up to you by taking out
more bad guys....
ETHEL: No!
It’s over, George. Get your sorry ass out. NOW!
SUMMARY:
George packs and moves. Ethel and the kids reside a few months at another
rented house but decide to move to an undisclosed location after they discover
George is plotting to plant a bomb under their home when they’re asleep and
make it look like Kim Young or another concocted violent neighbor had done the
deed. George’s intent is to get Ethel and the family to invite him back
and believes he can renew his relationship by creating an incident.
George pictures his role in life as a defender and hero. Others view
him differently — as a certifiable moron. Ethel concurs with the
majority. She files an injunction against George to prevent him from ever
seeing them again.
Family finances
gradually improve after George’s departure, and Ethel finally feels at liberty
to find a better “significant other” for life — one who doesn’t use
threats and fear tactics to hold allegiance. She marries Barry O’bama, a guy
with a funny name but with a great sense of humor and keen intelligence.
George moves back
to Big D, Texas, where he lands a job as a used-car salesman during the week,
and devotes his weekends to war games — as before. He doesn’t live
happily ever after because his threats, intimidation, and fearmongering have come
back to haunt him. He somehow generates enemies everywhere he goes. His
failed marriage isn’t the only item constituting a bleak legacy, but failed
finances and a family that forever never wants anything to do with him. 