The Republican Holy Bible

By Loren Adams, 15 May 2011

“Love thy neighbor but don’t get caught.”

GENESIS

“In the beginning was the Constitution and the Constitution was divinely ordained by God because it was transcribed by Righteous Republicans who were America’s chosen “forefathers.” And the forefathers were rich devout Christian white men, in totality. None were atheists or agnostics, or Muslim (or Black), but all were born-again Christians.”

“And whosover contradicts the strict interpretation of the Constitution set in stone by Republicans shalt be damned.”

“In the beginning 6,000 years ago, there were no heavens nor earth nor dinosaurs. Then God said Let there be Light, and there was Light, and he said It is good. Then he said Let there be water, fire, air, darkness, stars and moon. Then he said let there be fowl, fish and furry little creatures running about the planet. And it was so. Finally he said Let there be man, then naked Adam (missing a belly-button) popped up riding a dinosaur. And God said ‘What?’ ”

“There were no females to satisfy the man he’d just created, so God said Let there be Woman, which he ripped from the poor man’s ribcage. So God made Woman to comfort and serve the sore Man recuperating from divine surgery. And he said It is good.”

“And God made Man from his own image (except God made sure to cover his own ass when making missteps by claiming executive privilege). Woman was created as an afterthought only to satisfy the Man.”

SALVATION

“For Bush so loved the world that he gaveth his only retarded son that whosever believeth in him shall not flourish but have a miserable life.”

CONSERVATIVES’ CROWN COMMANDMENT

"Do unto others BEFORE they do unto thee, and do it to them often with all thy might – even if they looketh at thee critically, for thou art my chosen people who hath inherited the earth including all my creation and infidels alike. Henceforth, thou shalt have absolute dominion over the lives of ungodly non-rightwingers to take and do as thou wilt."

THE GOLDEN RULE

"He that hath the gold maketh the rules. We hath the gold so we maketh the rules and whosever breaketh them faceth our wrath."

THE POOR

"The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, because He appointed Me to preach the gospel to the rich. He has sent Me to proclaim release to the white collar criminals, and collect tax dollars to bail out corporate thieves if they face negative returns, to set free those who have stolen billions, to proclaim the favorable dominance of the GOP. Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in America, praise Jesus."

“Blessed are you who are rich, for yours is the kingdom of Republicanism. Blessed are you who are greedy pigs now, for you shall never be made to suffer but be classified too big to fail so taxpayers are forced to bail your fat asses out. Blessed are you who laugh now at the expense of the underprivileged, for you shall laugh later when cashing in foreclosed properties from the same.”

“Did not God choose the rich of this world to be fake in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promised to those who love money?”

"Accumulate possessions and don’t give to charity. Lay up for yourselves treasures on earth in secret Swiss accounts or off-shore shelters so you can go to heaven with that sense of accomplishment. Seek ye first the Kingdom of Wealth, and all these things shall be added unto thee.”

"When you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite the poor, but potential investors or rich neighbors, so that they also may invite you in return, and repayment come to you. But when you give a reception, do not invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, or else you will be associated with them and negatively impacted by them, since they do not have the means to repay you; for you will only be repaid by socializing with the wealthy."

"Cling to your possessions and give nothing away; Tear down your mansions and build bigger. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

"If you wish to obey the Republican god’s commands, go and hoard possessions and give nothing to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come to be known as a Party loyalist greedy pigs. For greed is good and godly."

REPENTANCE

"Confess thy sins, repent for the remission of evil, then go ye, therefore, and tell the whole world that thou art FORGIVEN that ye may be able to win votes from the feeble-minded myth-believers. Henceforth thou canst do anything forbidden because thou art a sinner saved by grace – the very elite of God's chosen disciples. Verily, verily, I say unto you, thou mayeth commit adultery, bribery, theft, war-crimes, and deceit with impunity – for thou art the chosen ones whose sins have been cleansed. Thou art predestined and preordained to be forgiven, so indulge thyself."

BILLIONAIRES’ BEATITUDES

"Blessed are the RICH for they shall inherit the earth with all its bountiful resources to bulldoze, pollute, and cause to go instinct as thou wisheth and shall not be taxed but let the poor pay the utmost.”

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be named on our cruise missiles to bloweth the living shit out of whomsoever gets in our pompous way.”

“Verily, verily I say unto thee: Do bad to those who do good unto thee, curse those who blesseth thee, destroy anyone who looketh cross-eyed at thee or whosoever even seemeth like they would threaten you sometime in the unforeseen future.”

“If someone strikes you on the one cheek, turneth to him with thine other cheek – from thy buttocks (so let it your light shine before men that they may see your self-righteous born-again shiny whiteass and glorify your father which art in Texas), and then blow your alleged enemy's living brains out, for yours is the Kingdom of the Second Amendment."

“Blessed are the meek. Aw, just kidding. Fuck those socialist pussies.”

GOD’S CARETAKERS

“Yea, though I drive my oversized SUV through the shadow of Death Valley, I will fear no climate change, for I know thou art with me, thy hot rod and under-aged staff they comfort me.”

“Yea, though I clear-cut forests causing the planet’s death, I will fear no environmental wackos.”

MAMMON (Money)

"For the LACK of money is the root of all evil. To him that hath not, shall be taken away: And to him who hath, shall be given. The corporates giveth and the corporates taketh away. Blessed be the name of the corporate country."

GOP TEN COMMANDMENTS

ONE: ”Thou shalt not place any loyalty above Party.”

TWO: “Thou shalt not take unto thee any graven liberal image, such as peace symbols, doves and make-love-not-war bumper stickers. But thou shalt dangle crosses about thy neck, flag lapels on thy garments, and anti-liberal bumper stickers on thy carriages.”

THREE: “Thou shalt not take the name of Money, thy god, in vain.”

FOUR: “Remember Christmas to keep it wholly commercialized to be used as a political wedge by the right and a favorite news item on FOX every season.”

FIVE: “Honor thy father and mother. Except if they’re Dems or libs or favor gun control.”

SIX: “Thou shalt not kill anybody except liberals, Muslims, Mexicans, gays, or any political opponent. Oh, hell, kill them all and let God sort them out.”

SEVEN: “Thou shalt not commit adultery. P.S. It’s not adultery if you’re a wide-stanced Republican politician in a bathroom stall with another man.”

EIGHT: “Thou shalt not steal except from the poor, middle-class, taxpayers, government, and dumb-saps down at the fake Christian megachurch.”

NINE: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy fellow Republicans but circulate all sorts of false stories about liberals and Democrats. But thou shalt bear false witness to incite wars and assassinations.”

TEN: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house except if it’s white and on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and the current resident happens to be not white; Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife except if she works on your staff, nor his male servant except if he’s a page that you can sext to without getting caught, nor his female servant (same), nor his ox (‘nuff said), nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's except his bank account, luscious wife or daughter or handsome son.”

RONALD REAGAN’S ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT

“Thou shalt not speak ill of any fellow Republican. But thou mayest speak ill and spread malicious rumors against anyone else – fair game.”

ADULTERY

“Love thy neighbor but don’t get caught.”

EXCLUSIVITY

"He who art not with me is against me. If thou canst not agree with every word proceeding out of my mouth, thou art against me. For verily, verily I say unto thee, I – as the Republican image -- am the final judge of good and evil and what I say goes. Anyone not with me will be at the receiving end of God’s wrath.”

“No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. Thou canst not serve both the Republican Party and the nation. Thou must choose the Party of God over country.”

“GOP does spell GOD.”