Bush
Receives a Call from the Almighty
by Loren Adams - December 10, 2008
GOD:
Gabriel, do me a favor. Would you
dial up George W. Bush for me, please sir?
GABRIEL:
Your Excellency, do you mean Bush? George Walker Bush, the 43rd U.S. President, the one who stole
elections, lied his country to war, and set the world
on course to depression?
GOD:
Yeah, that one. I believe his
number at the White House is 202-666-WARS.
[Phone
rings at the White House; George picks up.]
GW:
Howdy!
GOD:
This is God speaking, George. You
know, "Jehovah, Yahweh, Allah, Alpha & Omega, the Beginning and the
End, the Everlasting Father, the Almighty...."
GW:
Yeah, yeah, I know. I talk to ya every day, hold
Presidential Prayer Breakfasts all the time, attend Bible studies, and pray
lots. I got my instructions to bomb Baghdad from you, remember?
GOD:
Well, no, son. I never gave you authority to commit a million souls to eternity
in My Name. That's your acquaintance Lucifer's department. Mine is to bring
life and purpose for existence. Have you ever heard of the commandment,
"Thou shalt not kill"?
GW:
Why, shucks! I thought you was talkin' - orderin' me to make
war. Does that mean I got it wrong
'bout you wanting me to be president?
GOD:
Yes, you got that wrong too. Really wrong! Why, no, I never meant for you to be
president. That's why Albert Gore got the most votes the first time around and
John Kerry won more votes that weren't counted. I prefer democracy. And, no, I never ordered you or anyone else to make war in my name. That's sacrilegious, son. You hear? Blasphemy.
GW:
But Daddy & Mommy taught me it was all right to make war -- just so long if
it profits corporations that make people rich and powerful.
GOD:
No, that was Lucifer talking to you, your friends and relatives, not me. You know the guy -- Beelzebub, Angel of
the Morning, the Prince of Darkness, the Author of Confusion, the Accuser of
the Brethren, the Great Divider & Deceiver, Scratch, Satan, or commonly
known as the Devil? Yeah, that
guy. He's the one who likes wars,
death and destruction. Not me.
GW:
Oh. (Long pause) But what about
your son Jesus turning over the tables of the money changers?
GOD:
You mean you want to compare turning over a few tables in the temple to
mounting wars and murdering millions of people?
GW:
Well, I gotta problem. I thought for sure you had ordered me
to bomb Afghanistan. Then
Iraq. Then go after Iran if I get
'nuff time. They had weapons of mass destruction that weren't accounted for and we
didn't know how to find out if they had `em....
GOD:
So, why didn't you ask me? If they
had them, I'd be the one to know. Inspectors can't see under rocks. I can. I'm your
"source," right? You
claim to have had divine instructions to go to war, yet you didn't have the
same divine intelligence whether or not those weapons were there, right? What it boils down to, you were so
gun-ho about using my name to legitimize war, you didn't ask Me if they had WMD in the first place.
GW: Oh.... (Long pause) Well, I never thought of that.... I just knew that Daddy sold them to Saddam back 25 years ago, so I assumed....
GOD:
You did what? "Assume"? That's
a 6-letter word — when broken down, the term makes an ASS out of U &
ME. I never "ASSUME"
anything, son. I know. 'Omniscient' -- they describe me.
GW:
What about "faith"? I
had "faith" that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction and was ready
to use them on us. Shouldn't we
act on "faith"?
GOD:
Now, you're getting your terms mixed up, son. "Faith" is the substance of things HOPED FOR, the
evidence of things not seen, for sure. Did you HOPE for war, or were you just HOPPING to war? "Faith" is referring to
ME! Not some
rusty old weapons out in the middle of the desert that any smart Boy Scout
could verify weren't working for 15 years. Naw, I believe you were just wanting to play war and see others die because you
never had to face consequences yourself.
GW:
What about Saddam? Didn't I do the
right thing catching and having him executed?
GOD:
You caught him?
GW:
I mean, the Kurds caught him a few days before and told our guys where to pick
him up. Then an Iraqi kangaroo court had him hung.
GOD:
That's better.... No, Saddam was scheduled to depart earth in three years
anyway, according to St. Peter's calendar. So capturing him was just a show for your right-wing
base. I don't mean to jerk the
applause button from under your "accomplishment," but there was no
need. I had it covered.
GW:
I thought you told me to strike Saddam....
GOD:
No, like I said before, that was Satan. Obviously you get voices mixed up. Lucifer disguises his to sound like Mine -- the
peacemaker, when all the time he's out to start wars and kill people. Adolf Hitler claimed to hear from me
all the time he attacked one nation after another, sending 50 million souls to
eternity prematurely. You've
obviously fallen into the same old trap that Adolf did. You get confused by
listening to guys from CARLYLE and PROJECT FOR A NEW AMERICAN CENTURY. You, know, the guys who wanted to make
a new Roman Empire out of America? The guys that planned the war before 9/11? The war profiteers? Out to make a buck on somebody else's
blood?
GW: Oh.... (Long pause) Hey, I'm your "faith-based" guy on earth! My pals are uh Ted Haggard and uh Pat
Robertson and uh James Robinson and uh....
GOD:
Forgive me, but I don't know any of them. Who'd you say they were?
GW:
Well, uh, uh, I ASSUMED they were with you! You know, the fundamentalists....
GOD:
There you go again.... ASSUMING... Fundamentalists think they have a
monopoly on Me; think they have all the answers and
therefore don't have to ask anything these days. For instance, I created the world and universe the
equivalent of billions of earth years, yet the time-span was only days in
My-time. They assume I established
the universe in 24-hour earth-day increments to coincide with their narrow
views. Such stupidity! I confess,
fundamentalists evolved from monkeys. Now, go tell that to your
political base and see what kind of reaction you get. Makes me almost want to repent I ever created them. They don't speak for me. I speak for me. And by the way, I don't
like you serving plastic turkeys on Thanksgiving to my troops. Who's stupid idea was that?
GW:
Karl and Dick do all my planning. Karl told me photo-ops are most important in keeping power. And I, uh,
and I take no responsibility.
GOD:
Now, how do you propose getting out of this war?
GW:
Well, I ... and uh... I don't know, God. Think I'll leave it for the next guy....
GOD:
Now, that's the smartest thing I've heard you say all day! The next president will be in charge of
cleaning up all your messes. You've stirred up the hornets’ nest but don't have
a clue how to keep the hornets from stinging your people. If you would have studied Proverbs instead of right-wing rags you
wouldn't be crying about a tarnished legacy.
GW:
May I ask one last thing, God?
GOD:
Sure, what is it?
GW:
Did I cause the end of the world? Armageddon?
GOD:
No. I decide the end of the world,
not you. Especially not you! You're not bright enough. Now, get to packing so the next
president can come in and start trying to repair the damage you've made! And remember: I never order anyone to
make war and murder. The thief
comes not but to steal, kill, deceive, and destroy, but I have come to bring
life more abundantly. He that
loves not, does not know me, for I am the source of
all love. Have you not read the Bible I gave you? 